Passive aggressiveness

Before you start reading the text, briefly answer the 3 questions.

During today...

• How did behave people with whom you enjoyed communicating?

• What was your reaction to them?

• In conversations that did not please you - how did you behave, and how other side?

Obstacles to have a relationship in which we would feel respected, safe and accepted are sometimes hidden in us, and sometimes in others. Psychological terms help us better understand the quality of social relations, and the goal of this text is to emphasize one maladaptive pattern in communication that is not easy to recognize at first glance - passive aggressiveness.

Verbal insults, negative descriptions of personalities, stormy reactions of anger and rage, threats, physical attacks are clear examples of aggressive behavior. In relation to them, passive aggressiveness is potentially more difficult to recognize at first. They have in common that, in relation to them, are reactions as discomfort, confusion, increased anxiety and other unpleasant feelings. Although the intensity and form of stimuli differ, both patterns can have a negative effect on mental health.

If we feel uncomfortable in someone's presence, and the other party does not insult us openly, does not raise his voice, even makes a positive observation in the verbal content, the question is: Do we always react this way? Or do we feel inadequate when communicating with certain individuals? In the first case, there is a possibility to interpret the present through the framework of earlier negative experiences.

However, if the some approach makes us feel inadequate, if after the meeting we react with a feeling of guilt, by questioning whether we did something wrong, when it is not clear what just happened in the conversation, we react with the feeling that we are not good enough, it is possible that we communicated with a person who behaves passive-aggressively.

Behaviors that indicate a passive-aggressive communication pattern:

• verbal praise, expressed in an emotional tone that is not in accordance with the spoken one (non-verbal communication signals are not in accordance with verbal ones)

• verbal praise followed by criticism, in the sense of: how success was not achieved earlier, that someone is "better" than us in some area, that there is an area in which we are not successful, etc...

• casual comments that negatively connote a person's identity, unconstructive descriptions and comments

• comparison with examples that we consider negative

• highlighting the flaws and weaknesses of another through a joke

• denial of communication problems

• ignoring us in communication

Passive in passive-aggressive is indirect communication of desires, feelings, thoughts, etc. It is a passive attitude towards improvement of the quality of the relationship - the intentions to overcome the potential conflict and further development of the relationship are not expressed. Negative beliefs about oneself and one's own abilities, tendency to put personal desires aside for other people's plans, lack of social skills - these are some of the reasons why assertive communication can be overwhelming for a person. Also, the belief that clear expression of opinion is "uncultured" and leads to conflict, can be the basis of a passive position in communication.

Through passive-aggressive behavior, opinions, attitudes and emotions are expressed in a masked form and inauthentic quality. The image of "good manners" is maintained while expressing emotional tension.

Aggressive in passive-aggressive is a negative attitude or emotion addressed to another, expressed inadequately, in a way that leaves no room for an assertive conversation.

The term from transactional analysis - life (existential) position refers to the beliefs and evaluation of oneself and others, "I'm OK, you're not OK" is a position in which person thinks that on basic human level is better then others, that and has negative prejudices towards others. They have a "reason" why they are mocking others, disrespect other's success, looking for flaws, etc. In the relationship with others, they have competitive attitude, and disqualification other's qualities and success has the function of maintaining a positive self-image. This position is risky for the development of various forms of psychopathological conditions, and the assumption is that passive-aggressive behavior can be a manifestation of the "I'm OK, you're not OK" position.

When we talk about passive-aggressive behavior, it is important to emphasize the importance of distinguishing between verbal and non-verbal signs in communication. Verbal contents are articulated in words and sentences, and express thoughts, feelings, impressions, attitudes, beliefs, values, goals. Non-verbal signs in communication are: tone of voice, facial expressions, gesticulation, focus of attention, body position; they are also, like verbal content, information for us. In passive-aggressive comments and reactions, the verbal and non-verbal parts of the message are often not harmonized.

A term from transactional analysis that partially also can explains the internal dynamics of this behavior is injunction. If important people from the child's environment have sanctioned, punished and considered the expression of emotions as inadequate, the assumption child will have problem with communicating some specific emotions (or more). In this way, the one whose environment prevented him from expressing anger and dissatisfaction, in adulthood can avoid and deny the conflict, expect the other to recognize his hidden dissatisfaction.

Irrational beliefs can be the basis of passive-aggressive communication, for example: that disagreement is necessarily destructive for the relationship, that conflict must be communicated violently and through arguments, that disagreement is unpleasant and unbearable, that keeping "personal boundaries" necessarily means rejection from the other person, etc.

Now let's go back to the 3 questions from the beginning of the text. Do you find anything reminiscent of passive aggressiveness in your answers?

If not - this is your lucky day. :)

If yes, we will consider the basic possibilities - what we can do in the event that others or we sometimes behave passive-aggressively.

What can we do when others behaving passive-aggressively?

By expressing how we feel when we hear a certain comment, by clearly communicating what exactly bothered us, we create conditions for the other party to have clearer information about the effects of their behavior. In this way, we protect ourselves, setting a limit in the relationship - what is acceptable to us and what is not. Also, we give the other a chance to change his behavior in the future, if he is motivated.

If the party that behaves passive-aggressively is not ready to talk, does not respect our feelings, takes the position that we misunderstood the comment, misinterpreted its actions, our task is to see what the limits are and what are the realistic expectations of such a relationship. Then protection against negative and inadequate content becomes an important topic. Communication can still exist, but the development of the relationship in the direction of psychological closeness is questionable. It should not be ignored that passive-aggressive messages can have a frustrating and, to varying degrees, negative effect - in a way that they can provoke the feeling of inadequacy, self-loathing, and conditional self-acceptance. Interruption of communication, in cases where passive-aggressiveness escalates into aggressive behavior, is a way to protect ourselves from inadequate messages.

What if we in ourselves notice patterns of passive-aggressive behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior can be seen as visible psychological dynamics of personality. Earlier in the text, we mentioned emotional obstacles - the ban on expressing feelings and the existential position "I'm OK, you're not OK", so we can think about whether we see some of these phenomena in personal functioning. In order to make a change, it is useful to see the connection between behavior, emotions and beliefs (about ourselves, others, expectations from certain relationships, etc.). In the first step, in order to better understand our own reactions, we can look for answers to the following questions:

• What type of feelings we avoid to admit that we have s?

• Which feeling do we find difficult to show in front of others?

• When do we feel insecure in front of others?

• Are we afraid of some kind of reactions of others?

• Is there a person from the past with whom we have an unresolved conflict? What emotion is dominant in that memory?

• Are we more critical of others' behavior and choices, while at the same time wanting acceptance?

Psychotherapy is recommended as a form of help in overcoming the emotional obstacles behind passive-aggressive behavior and when people want to learn how to protect themselves, preserve self-confidence and self-esteem despite the passive-aggressive behavior of people around them.

Author: Bojana Skoric