Why it is important to keep individuality in relationship
Why, despite sincere emotions and commitment to the person we love, we should not give up our individuality
And when everything is"ours",
"mine" should not disappear
The text appeared in the printed edition of the newspaper: Magazine Novosti - Život plus
Journalist: Tatjana Loš
Answering: Bojana Škorić, master psychologist and psychotherapist
"Love thrives best in openness and freedom," wrote Edward Abbey, the American essayist. "However, it sometimes becomes the exact opposite—closedness and lack of freedom. And that's why it's hard for it to flourish."
Research shows that one of the biggest mistakes one can make is giving up the right to keep a small space of intimacy for oneself, convinced that a relationship or marriage means we have to give our partner absolutely everything. Every thought. Our own or someone else's secret. Social media passwords. Friends' messages. We're convinced that we must stop thinking differently from our partner. That we must like the movies they like. And only socialize with those they choose. We're taught that there's no longer "mine" and "yours," but everything is "ours," even though little of it resembles us. The loss of individuality in a romantic relationship usually doesn't happen overnight, but this process sometimes goes so far that we genuinely no longer have ourselves; only "two" exists.
Bojana Škorić, a psychologist, speaks to "Život plus" about how and why we should prevent this, remaining equally dedicated and pure to our partner, but not at our own expense.
How important is it, despite sincere and deep love in which we are happy and fulfilled, to retain our "I" and not completely merge into "we"?
Building a partnership is a process—two people move from acquaintances to a couple who jointly create a space of psychological closeness through daily interaction. In forming the foundation of a functional relationship, it's desirable to have similar values and compatible ways of expressing love, affection, care, and attention between partners. Partners can have different professions, hobbies, and certain interests, without this fundamentally jeopardizing the healthy core of the relationship. When these elements, as well as dedicating time to friends and other activities, are largely subordinated to the partner and the relationship, conditions are created to conclude that a person's identity is dominantly colored by the partnership. Retaining the "I" doesn't mean remaining absolutely unchanged; rather, it means staying in touch with desires from other areas of life and investing time in their realization, while simultaneously allowing ourselves personal growth within the emotional relationship we are building.
Where do partners most often go wrong, leading to a loss of individuality in or for the sake of the relationship?
The way parents functioned in terms of personal boundaries and couple identity is one of the first, potentially dysfunctional, models a person can adopt if uncritically accepted as good. The idea that a partnership is something one cannot function without, the fear of not being able to cope with a breakup, puts a person in a position to see difference as a reason for conflict, and conflict as a reason for a breakup. To avoid this, they may "put aside" their authentic experience. A lack of self-esteem and self-confidence can be reflected in a partnership—to avoid criticism, an individual will potentially choose not to express what is important to them to their partner, because they feel their voice isn't important enough to be heard. Obstacles to authentic and timely reactions can exist within the person themselves, stemming from conclusions drawn from earlier negative experiences. On the other hand, obstacles can lie in the choice of a partner who is critical, aggressive, or reacts rejectingly.
Do those with weaker character, less experience, or younger age generally "fall" here, or can "merging" happen regardless of these determinants?
It's understandable that in the first infatuations during adolescence, young people, carried away by strong emotions they're feeling for the first time, identify with their partner in an effort to show affection. The problem isn't having such an experience, but when it becomes a dominant characteristic of behavior, when later in life our choices depend on our partner's approval. One such illustrative example can be seen in the character played by Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride." "Merging" into a relationship is something our surroundings and friends can notice, so it's useful to consider comments like: "You've changed a lot," and reflect on the direction of that change.
How can we preserve our opinions and principles, the choice of movies, music, the way we like to spend our vacations, which are not compatible with our partner's, without jeopardizing the quality of the relationship?
Distinguish between important and less important elements for the survival of the relationship, recognize personal interests that do not harm either the partner or the relationship. Then, to be in contact with an authentic personal impression - ask yourself the question: "What is my opinion, what do I like about this content". Instead of an a priori attitude that what the partner proposes is better than our personal choice, take into consideration and discuss with him which options and solutions would be interesting for both parties. If we like certain cultural contents, have hobbies, a way of recreation that does not interest our partner to the same extent as us, this is an incentive to find an environment that is similar to us in that domain.
How important is it to be assertive in this particular example?
It is very important - to listen to ourselves and express our impression and attitude about some content, and at the same time to be open in communication to hear our partner. A difference in attitudes and interests does not have to be a competitive situation in which someone should win. The functional resolution of such a situation is research and finding a common field of interest.
The fact that we keep a certain degree of our privacy, whether it was a password for social networks, the secrets of our friends or the like, does not necessarily mean that we are not completely honest and clean in the relationship. But how can we convince our partner of this if he has the opposite, negative attitude about this "keeping"?
When a partner through actions advocates erasing personal boundaries in a relationship, we can express how we feel about it and our perspective on the situation. Honesty does not mean that we recount every segment of life and present it to our partner for verification. Trust is a key element - the feeling that our partner is devoted to us even when he is not in the immediate vicinity. When it is broken for some reason, the couple can seek professional help in partner psychotherapy.
How much can the subsequent awareness of knowing that we deviated from ourselves and our principles because of someone, convinced that we are only proving our love for our partner, cost us? Or worse - what is the cost of ignorance?
For personal work on yourself, it can be useful to have an insight when in the past we did not allow ourselves to listen to personal impressions and feelings - these are important lessons from which we can learn. It is helpful to ask ourselves why we have given up on expressing an authentic opinion. It is extremely important to understand personal reactions from the past in order to overcome obstacles in the present. Not realizing that there is a tendency to submit to your partner's opinion is actually what "costs" in a psychological sense. It's writing off that the problem exists at all. The risk is developing a tendency to withdraw in other life situations and relationships, reacting with an increased degree of axiosity when making decisions independently, with a low degree of self-confidence and self-esteem - which are risk factors for various forms of psychopathological decompensation.
