We say jealousy, but we explain it with characteristics of envy. We think we envy someone for something, but we attribute it to being jealous. However, being envious doesn't necessarily mean we're expressing jealousy, or vice versa. In short, these are two distinct emotions, but what they share is that it's desirable to overcome them, as it will help us breathe easier and live better. We discussed how these feelings manifest, their causes, consequences, and how to channel them with psychologist Bojana Škorić.

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What are the basic manifestations of jealousy and envy? What connects them, and what distinguishes them?

Jealousy manifests through the fear that the affection or love between two people might be destroyed by a third person—that the one we love will come to love someone else more. Jealousy doesn't only appear in romantic relationships but also in friendships, from parents towards their child's friends, or from a child towards new relationships in their parents' lives.

Envy arises when a person lacks something they desire that another person possesses. These can be positive personal qualities, abilities, material success, approval from others, or a social environment that the individual values and desires. Simultaneously, they believe that the other person's success is unjust, as they feel they deserve the same.

Both jealousy and envy are connected by their occurrence in a social context and their subjective experience as unpleasant emotions. They differ because jealousy can be a reaction when there's a relationship that is important to us, while envy points to something that is important to us.

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What primarily causes them?

Beliefs that can be behind emotion of envy include: "Others shouldn't have what I want," or "I am accept myslef and can be loved only if I am more successful than others." These can be a result of a parenting style that favored competition, where satisfaction from achievement was linked to a feeling of triumph over others. From a developmental standpoint, jealousy in early years is linked to a child's relationship with siblings. The birth of a younger sibling can be experienced by an older child as a threat of losing parental love. In adulthood, the idea that a partner shouldn't acknowledge any positive qualities in a other people, or that true love means being cut off from the rest of the world, are examples of an unhealthy form of jealousy.

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​How easily do people who feel envy and jealousy recognize these emotions within themselves?

It's hard to imagine that anyone has never felt one of these emotions. Recognizing them indicates a readiness to acknowledge one's own imperfections, as these are not emotions whose open confession will contribute to creating a positive image in society or expanding social contacts. To maintain a positive self-image and avoid anxiety or guilt, these emotions can be suppressed. The person defines themselves as good because they don't react in such ways. This can lead to projection—unpleasant and unacceptable emotions are attributed to others. This can be seen in frequent statements like "Others are envious of my success," or "They want to harm me because they are envious." Suppressed jealousy can manifest through blaming a third party for trying to destroy the relationship or accusing the partner with phrases like: "He/She is jealous and controls me." Jealousy can also appear as: "He/She wants to cheat on me."

Awareness can be the first step towards overcoming them.

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Is it harder to recognize them or to admit them to oneself and others?

Recognizing that we're a little upset because our friend got a promotion or an award is the first step in acknowledging envy. Instead of looking for all possible reasons why the recognition was unfair, it's helpful to allow ourselves to feel envious. In the next step, we can ask ourselves about the our thoughts about others' successes and our own. Envy has a constructive dimension—it can inspire us to recall forgotten desires, unrealized talents, and to move towards achievement and creation. It's similar with jealousy: instead of constantly seeking reassurance, taking controlling actions, and checking up on others, attention can be redirected to examining and overcoming one's own fear of the relationship ending.

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And when people are aware of them, can they channel them and overcome them constructively?

Jealousy can be the basis of aggressive and destructive behaviors that can harm others and the individual themselves, so it's desirable to work on overcoming it to prevent harm. Feeling the unpleasant emotions of envy and jealousy, and having the ability to control behavior so as not to cause harm, is a sign of a person's functionality. We can use jealousy as a starting point to overcome irrational fears and to care about the relationships that are important to us. Envy opens the way for us to re-examine our desires and seek new ways to achieve what we want.