When kindness is misinterpreted for flirt
Why is kindness sometimes mistaken for flirting?
A smile is not always an invitation to flirt
The text appeared in the printed edition of the newspaper: Magazine Novosti - Life plus
Journalist: Tatjana Loš
Answering: Bojana Škorić, master psychologist and psychotherapist
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible," the Dalai Lama advised. However, those who "practice" this know that not every shore their smile "lands on" is sunny. Kindness as a constant often gets harshly "slapped," manipulated, or demeaned. Interpreted as a seductive pose or a hidden invitation to flirt, it often gets distorted in male-female relationships, taking on a different connotation from its essence. A kind person is instantly labeled a coquette. Targeted as someone who seduces, they become a target for those they were merely — polite to.
Bojana Škorić, a psychologist, speaks to "Život plus" about what kindness truly is, why it's not the same as coquetry, and how a kind person can remain true to themselves without being accused of sending romantic signals.
How would you define kindness, and can we consider it a virtue in today's world?
As individuals grow up, they learn to adapt to their community in a way that their behavior is perceived as benevolent and non-threatening. We can describe kindness as a set of behaviors through which we treat others with respect and consideration. From a psychological perspective, kindness can be interpreted as adequate social adaptation, an approach that allows a person to remain in social situations long enough to find people with similar values and interests. This approach could partly be considered an assertive way of communication, although assertiveness, in addition to the characteristics mentioned, includes elements concerning the additional care for personal desires and goals. The assumption is that rules in communication change in accordance with social and cultural shifts; however, adopting a benevolent and open attitude in contact with the environment, and being aware of and caring for other community members, is one of the timeless humanistic values.
How often is kindness misinterpreted as flirting in male-female relationships?
Polite and kind behavior is not the same as flirting, and what makes them similar is the element of pleasantness in communication. However, the motivation and internal dynamics behind these behaviors are different, and making conclusions too quickly and based on limited information can lead to mistakes. The disfunctional belief that sincere friendly relationships between men and women do not exist also leads to misinterpretations that communication between two adults, where a pleasant emotional tone prevails, is necessarily flirting.
How did we get to the point where a kind girl or young man is easily accused of flirting?
One explanation is that the other person has different ideas what considers as polite or socially acceptable behavior. Individuals may interpret differences in communication style as a reason to "provoke or test", guided by the idea that polite and cultured is not a person's "true" face. Also, if there is dissatisfaction in love life, and a lack of adequate skills or situations in which can seek a partner, kindness can be attributed a romantic meaning. In any case, such comments can be unpleasant for the unfairly "blamed" party.
In what ways can someone abuse our kindness in male-female relationships?
If other side does not respect our personal comfort zone, and by interpreting our messages and behavior in a distorted way. Interpreting polite and cultured behavior as an invitation to flirt, or refusing to hear an "no," increases the chance of violence: psychological, physical, or sexual. Therefore, it's important to strengthen our connection with our personal impression of the situation and step back if we need time to get a clear perspective, instead of automatically interpreting comments and feedback as a logical consequence of our behavior.
How can we distinguish "just" kindness from someone's intention to flirt with us?
We can pay attention to several factors. First, the environment, or context, of communication. If we work with many people everyday, or we're just in contact with few co-workers, it's certain that the polite behavior is part of business manner. Then, we can pay attention to the non-verbal aspect of communication, primarily what we would call "body language." Entering a person's personal space can be one of the signs of flirting. Of course, we can also pay attention to the verbal signs and the questions that person asks. Pleasant conversation can exist in the realm of shared interests, sharing information, and exchanging opinions. Entering the space of flirting can be recognized by the tendency to ask more personal questions, show interest in the private segment of our life.
Does kindness sometimes need to be "suppressed" to protect ourselves from misjudgments, flirting, or accusations of sending false emotional signals to someone at work or in social settings by always being smiling and pleasant?
If a person abuses our willingness to listen to them, if they make comments that make us uncomfortable, our task is to ask ourselves: "How do we protect ourselves?" or how to say "NO" to demands, questions, or comments that we consider inadequate. In extreme forms, misinterpretations and inappropriate behaviors from the other party can be recognized as mobbing or sexual harassment.
What are some other manifestations of the misinterpretation of kindness?
Ideas that kindness indicates a lack of self-confidence, that someone is "polite, but naive," or that they can't stand up for themselves. It also raises the question: what is an example of adequate behavior for someone if they interpret kindness negatively? Kindness can also be abused in situations where someone asks for help because they see us as "unable to refuse them." This suggests that the parties are not equal; rather, the one who is polite and pleasant in conversation is seen as "obliged" to listen, help, understand — the problem is that this comes as demand of one side, not from the nature of a relationship where both sides experience mutual acceptance and respect. A polite manner of interaction can appear to individuals as a space to ventilate frustrations from other segments of life onto someone who "doesn't know or dare to resist" — in such cases, it's about psychological violence. The person who is exposed to such messages has the task of expressing disagreement, standing up for themselves, or exiting the communication with the goal of protection from messages that can produce a harmful psychological effect.
How can we remain ourselves – that is, kind – while still protecting ourselves from superficial interpretations?
It's significant to be in touch with our personal impression and put the emphasis on this: what we think about others' behavior, does certain comments bother us or certain actions cross the line of our personal comfort. Giving ourselves permission to disagree with others further encourages us to build ways to stand up for ourselves, and if others don't respect our suggestions, to recognize when it's time to end communication.
