Feeling of betrayal in relashionship
Why the experience of betrayal in love has nothing to do exclusively with infidelity
Deceived
without cheating
The text appeared in the printed edition of the newspaper: Magazine Novosti - Život plus
Journalist: Tatjana Loš
Answering: Bojana Škorić, master psychologist and psychotherapist
When we say betrayal, we immediately think of infidelity. But in reality, this might just be the very tip of the "iceberg," as there are countless ways to feel betrayed in a relationship. Trust is lost even when our partner is perfectly faithful, and a sense of disappointment can smolder even in seemingly harmonious stories.
In an interview with "Život plus," psychologist Bojana Škorić discusses when we can feel betrayed in love without it being related to the most visible form—a partner's infidelity. She also covers how such situations are overcome, what resolves already acknowledged problems, and what complicates them further.
When can we feel betrayed in a relationship, even without a partner's infidelity?
Making sudden decisions that have consequences for the relationship, disregarding a partner's opinion, failing to acknowledge personal emotional experiences, or lacking support in significant life or stressful situations—these are some examples of when an individual can feel betrayed. Avoiding the responsibility to communicate important information, desires, plans, and consequently, actions that might surprise the other person, creates space for such an approach to be met with a loss of trust and a feeling of violated loyalty towards the relationship and the partner.
How significant is betrayal, even when it appears in a small, seemingly insignificant form?
Various situations or behaviors by one partner can lead the other to feel disappointed and betrayed. A problem can arise when there's no discussion with a partner about expectations for them and the relationship. Instead, people choose the path of least resistance—a passive attitude and the hope that "everything will be alright because we love each other." Underlying this approach can be beliefs that "in love, partners understand each other tacitly," or that one's own value system and ways of behaving are projected onto the partner. In such cases, unmet expectations can be interpreted as betrayal.
Or does the perception of magnitude depend on individual sensitivity, and the quality and length of the relationship?
The experience of betrayal, as a subjective category, depends on one's personal value system and expectations—what is acceptable and what is not regarding a partner's behavior. When there's a tendency to confirm a negative self-image regarding others, even the smallest triggers can be sought to judge another as "someone who cannot be trusted." Various unpleasant emotions, such as sadness, anger, and contempt, can actually be reactions to events and people from the past, appearing in the present and in close relationships due to minimal triggers. Recognizing this type of reaction is primarily significant for the individual themselves, as emotions "stuck" in the past can hinder authentic reactions in the present. When expectations are expressed not as demands, but as desires to build the relationship into a safe emotional space, a partner's willingness to listen and respond to the other's emotional needs are steps towards building psychological intimacy, which is a crucial element of a functional partnership.
How do vengeful people cope with betrayal? How much does vengefulness only worsen the situation?
The desire for revenge can be linked to feelings of anger and the belief that the person who caused emotional harm must somehow be punished. The question is what one hopes to achieve with revenge: to make the other realize their mistake and regret it, to equalize experiences by making the other feel bad, and so on. The problem is that sometimes, behind intense anger, lies a feeling of sadness—the impression that something very valuable has been lost. It's important to distinguish between a partner's specific actions and our personal expectations of them; sometimes, our own expectations may have led to unpleasant feelings. Directing time and energy towards finding ways to "get even" with another does not solve the underlying problem of one's own sadness, disappointment, and adequate care for one's emotional needs.
How much does a serious, open, face-to-face conversation help save a relationship?
Open and direct communication where we express not only pleasant impressions but also fears and concerns, along with a willingness to listen and understand, is a prevention against situations where one side feels rejected and betrayed, where another's actions are perceived as threatening to the individual and the relationship. When a relationship is in crisis, and a partner has lost trust, both sides must be willing to work on repairing the relationship. Simultaneously, individual work on overcoming unhealthy reaction patterns can also be beneficial.
What happens when we don't respond to betrayal at all—meaning, we neither discuss it nor retaliate, but simply "sweep the problem under the rug" and continue as if nothing happened? What happens to self-respect, to the feeling of satisfaction in the relationship, and to love itself?
This is a passive way of dealing with problematic situations, where we keep silent about what matters to us with the idea that "they'll figure out where the mistake is on their own." This can lead to a more serious pathological pattern where we don't react promptly to what bothers us in another's behavior. Instead, we remember it, and then after a certain period, for some minor reason, we react with intense anger. The other person isn't given a chance to correct their behavior, and the self-image and perception of others are confirmed: "I am good, and they cannot be trusted."
Agreeing to a relationship "at any cost" can stem from distorted beliefs like "every love is unhappy in its own way," "one must suffer in love," or "it's better to be in a relationship than to be alone." Chronic disappointment and dissatisfaction with the quality of the relationship begin to be considered a necessary element. Such a state carries a risk for the development of various psychological problems: in the form of depressive reactions, psychosomatic ailments, displacement of anger onto other people or relationships, and so on.
How much can the experience of betrayal be obscured, meaning it "happens" to us at a moment when our whole world seems black, leading us to first lash out at our partner, who is neither guilty nor deserving?
Expecting a partner to "read" from our facial expressions why we are dissatisfied is often an excessive demand. When a person feels dissatisfied but doesn't commit to understanding the reasons—what they are reacting to with unpleasant emotions—there is a risk that tension and unpleasant affect will be expressed or displaced towards a close person. This is a dysfunctional pattern because the underlying problem has not been resolved. The quality of the partnership can be damaged: the partner receives unpleasant emotions and messages that don't relate to their actions, and these can cause emotional harm. Therefore, it's important to recognize which area of life is causing dissatisfaction, whether it's work, a friendship, communication with parents or children, or a failure to achieve a personal goal, and to seek constructive ways to overcome the problem.
