Could asking for advice be
psychological
game?
Why some people always seek advice from friends and colleagues, but never take it
Others,
they don't understand me
The text appeared in the printed edition of the newspaper: Magazine Novosti - Život plus
Journalist: Tatjana Loš
Answering: Bojana Škorić, master psychologist and psychotherapist
Confronting challenges is part of everyday experience, and sharing pleasant and unpleasant impressions is an integral part of social interaction. Comments and adviceS from others, given without judgment, can help us view problems from different perspectives and overcome them more constructively. However, sometimes expressing dissatisfaction and seeking support can take the form of a pathological communication pattern. According to theory of personality - transactional analysis, one form of psychological game is recognized when a person has a habit of asking for help but then rejects the suggestions they receive. The person doesn't actively work to solve the problem; they just temporarily relieve themselves of unpleasant emotions, while the other person is left puzzled, wondering why their attempts always hit a "wall" in communication.
So, why do some people persistently seek advice but never adopt it? This is the topic of today's "Život plus," which psychologist Bojana Škorić brings closer to us.
Is avoiding responsibility for overcoming a problem primarily behind this pattern?
The hypotesis is that this behavior brings immediate relief from discomfort, but in the long term, it confirms a negative, unrealistic view of oneself and others, such as: "It's always hard for me; I can't solve problems." This is paired with a negative view of others, like: "They don't understand how hard it is for me," or "I don't trust them because they haven't solved my problem." So, avoidance can manifest as disclaiming one's own responsibility and shifting it to others. Discussing a problem without actually solving it can yield a certain secondary gain—a social support network that might not exist if the problem were resolved. The thought might be, "If I resolve what bothers me, people won't pay attention to me." This habit can also develop as a learned behavior, by observing and imitating others.
Does this have to do with insecurity and rigidity?
The characteristics of our communication with others can offer useful information how we see ourselves and do we have negative self-image. If we frequently complain about the same issue, we can seek new options for overcoming the problem. A good approach is to look for positive examples in real life. A pattern where an individual complains but takes no action, in the long term, suggests a passive position when facing problems. A lack of self-confidence in personal skills and abilities can prevent a person from stepping outside their familiar comfort zone. Staying in the same place, even if it's unpleasant, means staying on familiar "ground."
How much does this reflect a person's unwillingness to change?
Changing dysfunctional patterns in this area, by distinguishing between constructive and passive approaches, brings up several questions: Does the person first notice that they have this behavioral habit? What do they gain and what do they lose if they try to face the problem differently? Sometimes it's easier to express how much we dislike something and focus on the negative than to fill a conversation with genuinely positive impressions. So, this unwillingness can be anxiety related to stepping out of a familiar behavioral pattern and developing a new problem solving actions.
And how draining can this be for their friends, partner, and family members who constantly advise them, only for the person to do what they intended anyway?
Giving advice, opinions, and analyzing situations can be seen as a way of expressing empathy and care for others. Over time people can realize that the same communication pattern is repeating, that other side isn't engaged in an authentic dialogue, that it's "déjà vu,". Constructive task could be to avoid getting drawn into a psychological game that would leave person (addvice giver) exhausted and wondering where things went wrong. That's why it's always beneficial to assertively express, while respecting both personal and others' needs, how we feel and what specifically bothers us in communication. The individual themselves might lose perspective on how the other person feels while listening to the problem. When a person incorrectly shifts the responsibility for solving a problem onto others, the task of those around them is to not accept responsibility that doesn't belong to them, which, in practical terms, sometimes means not offering suggestions, proposals, or ideas, but rather letting the person arrive at the solution on their own.
How does this affect the workplace—when a boss persistently asks for advice but never listens to or respects it, or when a employee asks for a supervisor's opinion and then does the job exactly as he previously planned?
The business context offers more clearly defined rules, tasks, and goals expected from a particular job position. If the dominant approach in collaborating with colleagues is to ask for proposals and then criticize them, it risks undermining the quality of relationships within the team, as well as the quality of the tasks. This raises the question of what's behind that: is it a competitive attitude towards colleagues where one experiences a "small victory" when others' ideas are "not good enough," or is it that a dysfunctional way of dealing with problems in private life is also reflected in the business context?
How negatively does this affect career advancement?
Successfully completing business tasks, in addition to requiring education and skills, also includes the question: How does a person approach to new type of tasks? Will they accept advice from a supervisor or a more experienced colleague? Being closed off to suggestions and considering new ideas could have negative effect on the quality of work.
Can this "habit" be changed?
Once we realize that our behavior can evoke unpleasant emotions in others, then we can ask ourselves: "By repeatedly sharing the same content, complaints, and rejecting dialogue, are we actually pushing away the people who care about us?" This is where lies the opportunity for change. It's worth asking what we truly achieve when we constantly talk about a problem. Do we simply want to momentarily relieve discomfort and emotional excess, or do we want to hear another perspective and seek a constructive solution through assertive dialogue?
