Breakup
Why it's important to face a breakup so life can move on
Firts - Heal the emotional wounds
The text appeared in the printed edition of the newspaper: Magazine Novosti - Život plus
Journalist: Tatjana Loš
Answering: Bojana Škorić, master psychologist and psychotherapist
The end of love isn't as pleassnt as its beginning. Breakup itself isn't a pleasant experience, even when we know it's good that we're no longer with together, that love has vanished, that respect and true understanding don't exit anymore in that relationship, or that a brighter new chapter waits us. And yet, to truly heal from it, and not just superficially "get over it" on the fly, it's important to face it.
Psychologist Bojana Škorić explains for "Život plus" why this is a process we must acknowledge and how to dedicate ourselves to it if we want to move on with life, love again, and find joy.
How should we approach ourselves and the fact that we're no longer in a relationship in the first days and weeks after a breakup?
The period after a breakup is a time for reorganizing priorities, daily routines, and habits. It's beneficial to seek out a social environment where we feel accepted. After a breakup, many unpleasant emotions can be experienced: anger, disappointment, sadness. Due to distorted beliefs that unpleasant feelings are unbearable and can make one "lose their mind," a person might try to show they're "better than ever." It's not helpful to run from such feelings, mask them with an overcrowded daily schedule, or rush to disappear all at once, as this only postpones facing them later. Feelings serve the function of processing experienced events. Furthermore, we can try to "zoom out" from our current situation and not see ourselves from the perspective of "I'm alone in the world because I don't have a partner," but rather remember the important friendships and family relationships that we might have neglected, and direct our energy towards people who accept us and activities that are meaningful to us.
It seems the hardest part at the beginning is that everything reminds us of him/her. We're used to doing so much together. How do we cope with that feeling?
Habits in general, even in the context of romantic relationships, create a feeling of security. A breakup is often a stressful situation because numerous changes occur on practical and psychological levels. Living spaces, places partners used to go together, how the day was organized, favorite cultural activities – all of this can spontaneously remind us of the relationship period. After a breakup, it's useful to give new meaning to elements from daily life, one that is no longer marked by the partner and the relationship. Create new habits with old elements.
How should we approach physical, tangible items that remind us of a partner? Is the solution to put them out of sight, return gifts and belongings, or does facing the breakup mean letting them stay for a while until we get used to their absence?
Physical items are objects onto which we can project our feelings—hope that the relationship will resume, anger cause we had harmmfull experience, sadness because what we had or wanted is no longer achievable as we imagined, or disappointment because our wishes didn't come true. Reorganizing our living environment can reflect a change in personal priorities, so removing small items that remind us of a partner can be helpful. However, sometimes it's easier to focus on external redecoration. Changing your home decor or buying new clothes can be a visible parallel to internal change, but it's not a recipe for quick recovery. The essential guideline is to turn inwards and care for the emotional wounds that arose during the relationship or because of breakup.
How would you describe the behavior or state of people who theatrically burn everything that reminds them of a partner after a breakup?
Behind the urge to destroy things can lie various psychological mechanisms, such as displacing unpleasant emotions onto material objects. This is an unconstructive way of dealing with personal suffering. Destruction can indicate a desire to "erase" the unpleasant experience and pain as quickly as possible, driven by the irrational logic of "when the things that remind me of my partner disappear, so will the pain," or "no memories of the relationship means no pain." It's okay for a person to feel this kind of urge, but it's useful not to react impulsively. Destruction does not solve the problem of present suffering, nor will it erase memories. Therefore, a option worth to consider is accepting the pain while dedicating time and energy to oneself, important people, work, and hobbies—using present capacities to heal past emotional "wounds."
How many couples return to their old ways—reconciling even though love has faded and the relationship has become dysfunctional—simply because they haven't faced the breakup, accepted it, healed from it, and placed it in the past, choosing instead the path of least resistance?
It's important to distinguish between immediate comfort and choosing options simply because they are familiar, versus long-term benefits and goals. Disfunctional beliefs about a partnership can keep a person in a psychologically damaging relationship, where partners are not emotionally close. People may selectively seek examples from their environment to confirm ideas like "love always involves suffering," "it's better to be in a relationship than alone," or "conflicts exits because my partner cares about me." Also, a person's feeling that doesn't deserve love can result in staying in a dysfunctional relationship, which can be a topic for psychotherapy.
When is it worth giving an ex-partner a second chance, and when should we strive to move on with our lives as quickly and effectively as possible without them?
When the reasons for the breakup are not analyzed, and reconciliation comes as a result of temporary sentimentality, fear of loneliness, or uncertainty due to life changes, it can be assumed that the "weak points" of the relationship have not been overcome, and existing conflicts may show up again. If a partner realizes which of their behaviors caused the other person pain, when remorse and apology are not just statements but authentic motivators for the person to face some personal psychological obstacles, and when new, positive ways of solving old problems are adopted, then we can consider if we still want to be in a relationship with them. If a partner doesn't want to change and shows this in various situations, if they attribute all responsibility for problems to the other person, aren't ready for dialogue, or dismiss emotional suffering by thinking "my partner is too sensitive" or "they should deal with their pain on their own," these are some signs when it's worth asking yourself why you are staying in the relationship.
